Wednesday Night - Thank You

It is with the heaviest heart that I write this tonight. Our beloved darling Emma Brielle Flores past away this afternoon. Her mission on this earth was finally complete and she was called home to the only person that could love her more than Bianca and I, our Heavenly Father.

Writing this opens everything back up so painfully, but I feel that I need to on behalf of my family, to say thank you to so many people. So on behalf of Bianca, Eva and Emma please let me say with all the love a father can have, thank you all. Thank you for the prayers, thank you for the positive thoughts, thank you for the phone calls, the text messages, the emails, the facebook posts, thank you for the hugs and kisses, thank you for taking care of my little girls, thank you for sharing this time with us.

I struggle with words at this time, but I have such a strong conviction that there is a greater plan, a higher purpose for us here on this earth and that one day I will see my beautiful girls once again. I have never known love like this and I hope that for the rest of my life I can make my daughters proud and do things as they would have had me done.

The turn of events has been so sudden that no words can describe the total state of shock we are still in. Bianca went to the hospital yesterday around 12 and stayed with Emma until I arrived around 8pm. Our friend Kris had gone with me to pick up a new freezer we purchased to store all of the milk we had ready for Emma's one day arrival home. I can remember so vividly sitting on the couch and thinking, I am so tired, it's been a long day, I am sure there would be no harm in staying home tonight and seeing Emma first thing in the morning. How grateful I am for the still small voice that said, go see your little girl.

I arrived to find Bianca and Emma cuddled up together and resting so peacefully. I stayed and got to spend some wonderful moments with them and see how beautiful Emma was, squirming, kicking her little legs out and doing what she did best, making me fall in love with her all over again.

This morning I had a doctors appointment early and Bianca prepared to go to the hospital as I would be meeting her after work. My doctors appointment concluded and I came home to let Bianca know of some bad news. I don't want to make this update about me, but in keeping with the narrative, I was diagnosed this morning with Type 2 diabetes. My doctor and I discussed the events of the past two months and we concluded that the stress and eating habits and lack of sleep finally set my border line status over the edge. As Bianca and I discussed what this would mean for our family, the nurse practitioner called to let us know that Emma had began destating even with full oxygen.

We were told that she had a lot of residual from her last feed and that her bowels (tummy) looked distended. She had this same symptoms a few weeks ago and an x-ray then cleared her. Today's x-ray showed the same type of loopiness and  so the doctors order her to be on her side for a few minutes and a new tube to placed in her stomach to remove anything in there that may be causing her trouble. As her intestines were beginning to balloon they were putting additional pressure on her lungs, hence causing her to not be able to breath. Bianca quickly left to the hospital and I went for my newly prescribed medication.

As I was approaching my office Bianca called to tell me that things were not right, and that the doctors told her that Emma needed surgery immediately. I was beside myself as she was fine not more than an hour ago. I changed directions and went straight to the hospital. Along the way Bianca called me several more times to let me know that things had gone from bad to worse devastatingly quickly. By the time I arrived running through the hospital Bianca had been told that there was little hope for a good outcome.

I immediately wanted to talk to someone, anyone, upon my arrival. I was not there more than 2 minutes, when Bianca announced that our nurse was making a b-line right for us. When she told me that the doctors would like to speak to us in another room, my heart sank. I could not believe this was happening and as I write this through tears, I still cannot believe this happened. 4 doctors and several nurses were awaiting us, and in the middle I saw doctor Jones, who we had met on our very first day of arrival at the hospital. He had answered so many questions for me that day and was so compassionate that looking in his eyes, I knew everything had been done, but that Emma was not ok.

Emma's cause of death was a very rapid moving disease of the bowels known as Necrotizing enterocolitis (NEC).

It is the second leading cause of all premature infants and can move as fast as a heart attack or stroke. Although the first x-rays showed slight signs of infection, the condition spread so fast that even with the emergency surgery there was nothing of her intestines that could be saved. Her little tiny bowels had essential died living her with no chance of survival. I looked and pleaded for any other option, but there was none that could be given.

Her little body had already gone through so much that I just could not take the pain of her hurting any more. I wept like only a parent could for their child. Emma was still alive, essentially on machines only. Her bowels had swollen to such a level that the doctors could not even put them back inside her little body to close her after surgery. She was wrapped as best as possible in sterile gauze, a diaper and tape. My little girl was being held together by such fragile things that it broke my heart into a million pieces. She had been so heavily sedated for the surgery that she was effectively paralyzed and not able to move what so ever. She was just not our squirmy wormy and I was so destroyed to see her this way.

We were moved to a separate room where we got to hold her for hours and just be together as a family. Sadly the doctors left it up to us as to when we could remove the breathing tube and medication that were effectively keeping her alive. I was just not prepared to make that decision, and although the doctors and nurses gave us amazing care, I felt like it was so unfair to have to make me decide when she should go. It's been a few hours now so I see their wisdom and the little choice they had, but I do not wish this on my worst enemy ever. After several hours and holding and kissing our little girl, I made the call to remove her breathing tube and IVs so that she could finally rest. Every 30 minutes or so the nurse would come in to administer additional pain medication, but I could see that Emma was starting to feel things. Her body had been through so much I just could not let her suffer anymore.

For the first time since the day she was born I saw Emma with no mask, no tubes, no wires; it was just her. Perfect little Emma was so beautiful today, she is daddy's little girl and I had my breath taken by her. She survived for a few minutes longer and we held her in our arms until her little heart stopped and we knew she was  gone. I pray that no one ever has to hold their baby and watch them slowly pass, but if she had to go, I was glad we held her. We never let her go and we never will. She is my light, my world and I would die for that little girl. I would do anything that was ever asked of me for her to be back.

I know that Eva was there to meet her today along with countless members of our family who have passed on before. She is not alone and hand in hand she walks now with Eva Aimee to go about doing the Lord's business. I find myself asking so many questions as to why, but it is not my time table, it is not my decision - I leave it in God's hands and trust in him.

Our lives will never be the same and I know He hears and answers our prayers. We prayed for so long to be parents and we are; we will forever be Mom and Dad to two little angels Eva Aimee and Emma Brielle.

I don't know if I will write again or what we will do next, but again I want to say a sincere thank you for all of you who have prayed and watched over us. We had an army of faithful people praying for us and your prayers were felt each and every day. I am humbled at the amazing at the out pouring of love for our little girls, I could not ask for more. I consider each one of you family now, as what we have gone through transcends friendship. Thank you for being our angels on this earth.

We love and care deeply for each one of you and on behalf of Eva and Emma - THANK YOU!